…You can’t unsee it.

Ignorance is bliss. 

You don’t know what you don’t know… until you do. 

These are some of the potential cliche titles that I considered for this week’s blog. The truth is that since my “awakening” ride, I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted (if you missed last week, I suggest reading that short message before returning to this one).

After that ride I became so much more acutely aware of some of my personal flaws and how they are impacting my entire life. And with those realizations came the awareness of my need to rid my life of some toxicity and make room for more tenderness, gentleness, evolution, and love. For more sincere connection that supports my best way of moving forward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I would feel more blissful with less awareness, since once these things become clear for me, it is true: there is no going back. 

Now, I am not at all stating that once I identify something that I want to grow from I just flip a switch and all is well. I know that I will still make the same mistakes and fall into default patterns of behavior often. The struggle is real while focusing on finding tools to create behavioral change. And like many of you, my desire to buffer from these big feelings is high. But once I have seen something about myself that I can work on in order to give way to a more full life, I truly can’t unsee it. 

I know that ignorance is not bliss for me. I truly do absolutely love epiphanies. And the work afterward comes with a lot of excitement. But it also involves an internal battle that can be distracting, sometimes even including daily headaches and brain fog. I know that I am sensitive at this time, so it is even more important to not indulge in buffers that are not good for my physical body or well being (like heavy alcohol use, excessive time on my phone/ social media, eating a lot of inflammation causing foods, not focusing on sleep, or inviting stress from difficult relationships). 

I am having a breakthrough in my personal evolution. And I don’t want to miss it, even if it is damn uncomfortable at times. 

I believe that storytelling, including sharing our personal battles can connect and inspire us all, so I  plan to share some of my realizations with you in the upcoming weeks. I am willing to be vulnerable to my process in order to encourage you to do the same in your own lives. And I believe that this work is important to the foundation of all of us as athletes and humans, so of course I will share how some of my flawed ways of thinking and acting have negatively impacted my athletic career, and how I am and will continue to grow from it. 

For today, I want you to take the following away from this message: 

We are all imperfect. I am. You are. And that is okay. Take time to see your flaws so you can truly seek out tools to not let them get in the way of you living your fullest life. But always keep in mind that you are not to be “fixed,” but instead aim to grow from and with what you might identify as the yuckiest parts of yourself. And you don’t need to stall your life! We can grow and take risks at the same time… to learn through and by doing. 

Once you see your imperfections, don’t try to unsee them. Take short moments of respite from your own brain, but don’t disassociate from your new found truth. The mental battle is hard at first, but like most things, it does get easier with consistent training. 

Don’t be afraid of being honest with yourself and others. If you move forward in truth things will sort themselves out as they are supposed to. This might involve opening your eyes to really hard decisions, often some that you have known the answer to for a long time. Let go of trying to control outcomes, and instead embrace the process. 

After all, the only certain thing in life is uncertainty (this is very true, and one last cliche, for your reading pleasure).