Another week, some more “meh.”
How do you describe “meh”? I personally feel “meh” when I am overwhelmed with so many emotions that I shut down certain parts of myself. It is almost like in order to save my battery for what needs to be done and felt, I become numb to many other auxiliary things.
This doesn’t feel like indifference to me. It feels more like I am slowing down to be the calm in the storm. Giving myself a firm foundation by focusing on my basic needs and the things that have to be done. Moving a bit like a sloth through the days, rather than taking on life like a Tasmanian devil. Breathing. Staying connected to myself to be able to feel it all a little easier, even when part of me wants to find a way to get far away from it all.
I think I describe it as “meh” because it feels like I can’t give the world all of me right now, as I need to be more available to be open to feel within myself. To process all that is happening my lens of focus. It is not a comfortable feeling for me to be more reserved. Maybe “blah,” “boring,” or even “sad” are better terms. But, I have currently landed on “meh.”
This is a pretty new response for me. In years past when I would get overwhelmed by emotions, the to-do list, or likely a combination of both I would get carried away in (less than helpful) default behaviors. Instead of allowing the feeling to just uncomfortably exist, I would do one or any combination of: try to gain control anywhere, or over anyone (as I mentioned ac couple weeks ago); lash out or giving into snarky-ness; or buffer with friends, drinks, food, exercise, etc.
Now instead I focus on letting it flow, and serving my needs in a way that I know will help me move forward, rather than taking a higher risk of spinning on the same feelings. It isn’t very fun, but it is necessary and worth it.
Thankfully, part of living a full human experience means that my life doesn’t have to be smothered by a big blanket of “meh.” I still feel huge amounts of joy and gratitude for many little and big things, people, and moments. I seek out activities and communities that make me sincerely happy. I still laugh a lot. I still love. I still care deeply for my relationships and my work. The belief in my worthiness as a person has not been interrupted, but amplified. I know I am worthy enough to take some time to care for my wants and needs.
I can take the time to be a bit “meh,” and still feel happy most of the time. And I am happiest that I can experience so many emotions at once and still be okay.
If I were you I would be slightly, okay, super curious about all of these feels. I believe that no one likes a vague message— so here is a (partial) list of what is contributing to my personal interpretation of “meh”. Please read this as an inspiration for you to consider all of your current feelings and to aim to live with them, rather than run from them.
- Sad that Deaken is graduating and moving out in the fall. Happy that Deaken is graduating and moving out in the fall. Excited for him to take on the next chapter of his life. In many ways I long to stall time.
- Heartbroken that one of my best friends is moving away. So thankful for our friendship. Hopeful that we can find new footing, even if it isn’t as “easy.”
- Beyond happy to have Halle home. Sad when I think that it is likely it will be her last summer living with us. Excited for her to keep building her adult life.
- I love being a mom. I don’t love parenting sometimes. I love my husband. Sometimes having a partner is exhausting.
- Sick with sadness over the conflict in our country. Full of grief. Hopeful that some real change emerges from tragedy.
- Post-race excitement. Post-race letdown.
- Anger about this miserable WI weather.
- Beyond grateful for so many friends. Unsure of how to keep cultivating relationships with new people in this busy phase of life.
- Happy to have the opportunity to learn at work. Confident in my abilities. Unsure in my abilities. Prideful. Humble. All of the things.
- Proud of my athletes and joyfully connected to our team. Slightly anxious with the new schedule.
- Excited for the summer, yet a bit overwhelmed with how much we have on the calendar.
- Happy to take on a new pet and help a family the I care so much for out, but also nervous about the new dynamic in our house.
I could go on— but you get the gist. I am feeling a lot. And often many (seemingly opposing) emotions about the same situation. I am guessing that if you are willing to live a full human experience you are feeling some of the same. You could quite possibly be having bigger emotions right now. Or maybe your life feels a bit more steady. Check in with yourself. If it helps, write it down.
We are human. So when you feel joy, feel it. When you feel sad, feel it. When you feel… insert one of 70 emotions.. feel them. Even if they take you into a big “meh” tornado.
Keep doing the best you can. You are stronger than you think. And then someday you will be back on your feet.