Happy Monday after Easter! I have a message for you today that might surprise some of you, might excite others, and might even repulse some. It is likely this won’t be super eloquent, but I didn’t want to just cowardly disappear without giving all of you an explanation as to why I am going to be taking a break from my weekly messages. My prayer is that you can read this with an open heart, knowing that it is from a place of love. 

If you know me personally, have read my blogs and/or my book, and/or follow me on social media platforms, it is likely that you at least suspect that I am a Christian. Another thing that you likely know about me is that I struggle with obedience, so I am incredibly grateful that God is a loving father. 

Long story short, up until last March I had been (mostly privately) growing more and more discontent in my life. I blamed it on my marriage, my looming life transition to empty nesting, some health struggles that I can’t seem to figure out, the boredom in living in the same state for all my life, the suffocating feeling of living in the crowded suburbs, and the grief around shifting friendships. (Wow- I haven’t wrote that out in a list!) During this time I also had a lot of good in my life (people and circumstances), so I was able to lean on that to keep propelling my forward daily. But, even though I was attending church weekly, praying daily, and occasionally reading my Bible, I couldn’t pinpoint what was truly missing in my life.   

If you love juicy details, you are going to have to wait, as I fast forward to today. During this inner turmoil, God led me to a new church, where I was reminded of his grace, and the true hope that comes with following Him. My heart began to soften, toward myself, my circumstances, and to those I am blessed to be surrounded with in my life— including my husband, my neighbors, and my friends. 

As I became reacquainted with God, I could better hear His voice. Because I am me (disobedient), I basically needed a constant firehose of truth, finally getting to the point where I could not ignore the nudging anymore. I finally could hear Him telling me to get out of the way so that He can do His work through me, so that He truly has the glory.

I am still incredibly grateful for the lessons I have learned, and taught, on grounding, awareness, passion, purpose, etc. I believe all of this has led me to be able to understand the fullness of my faith. And now I can shift away from being the main character in my story. 

What does this mean?

Like I said, this is a long story, one that I hope to unravel for you in the future. But, for right now, I am going to listen, rather than do what I always do: privately ask Him to bless my life, to be my rock and shield… and… then continue to lean mostly into trying through my own power. I am going to wait. Since I can’t seem to get out of God’s way, I feel very led to take a break and be sure that I stop giving myself the glory. I want to stop putting God in the background. I am blessed to have anyone read these messages, and I want you all know that it is, and always has been, in His power that I am able to live the amazing journey that I have had in my life. 

So, for right now I am going to focus on serving my awesome athletes with the best coaching experience I can give. I am going to continue to lead Zone Racing with the loyalty, acceptance, and encouragement that I have had over the past ten years. I am going to extend loving grace to those around me, by continuing to learn more about the grace and love that is extended to me through Jesus. I am going to keep training. Truthfully, not much will probably look different to most of you—I still get excited about your goals, I still want to serve others, I still believe in you, and I will keep extending encouragement and love. AND…I will continue to do all of this imperfectly, as none of this simply erases insecurities, hurts, or default behaviors. But, I am surrendering control, over continuing to strive in my own power. 

I don’t know what the future holds for this blog. Like all of us, I don’t know what the future holds for anything. But, what I do know is that I feel more excited than afraid. I feel more alive than ashamed. I feel more full of hope than discouraged. I feel more at peace than anxious. I feel more humble than prideful. I feel more love.

Thank you for reading— today and always. Please reach out if you have any comments or questions. I will miss connecting with you all weekly in these messages, and would love to connect either in other ways.